All dis, and nothing more

I’ve been a little ball of anger for days now. I’ve given forewarning to those who are close to me that my fuse is incredibly short, and I’ve been trying to keep myself in check- but it’s hard. Even at work, just under the customer service voice and forced smile, it’s there bubbling up.

I know that anger is a core emotion, and that there’s almost always at least one outlying emotion. I heard it once said that “Anger is just another emotion masquerading”. I’ve been trying to put my finger on the other emotions, because if I can identify them, I can work through them.

I came across a quote today that said “Unmet expectations breed frustrations. What unrealistic expectations do I need to let go of today?” It struck a chord with me, and reminded me of a conversation I had over the weekend with a girlfriend. I was telling her about some of my frustrations and how I’d settled on the realization that I was hurt because I had a false expectation that people would care. At the core of my being, I still don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that people would care. Yet, here I sit. Alone.

Trying to come up with words to express the hurt in my heart has a whole lot of “dis”. Disappointed. Disheartened. Disillusioned. Disconnected. Disenchanted. Disgruntled. Disturbed. Dismayed.

I’m trying so hard not to let this dark cloud of “dis” spread and cover the landscape of my life. I’m trying not to let it be a blanket sentiment for anyone who has said they care or that they would be there. I’m struggling with feelings of distrust in those around me, while also feeling dispensable to them. It has me feeling discontent and distressed, and yet if I speak my mind, it could be disastrous.

Life has me discombobulated. I’m fighting the urge to disappear for a while to disengage, in the hopes of dislodging this dismal outlook, and discerning a solution to this discord.

I’m a bit disjointed, but never disloyal.

S

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